In order not to be accused of sinking quite so low as some of our competitors the rumours we present to you in this article are actually all true but are most certainly offered tongue-in-cheek and should be taken with a pinch of salt, if those two things are possible simultaneously.

We have decided to expand on a theme started a while ago now and perpetuated by Sky Sports News when they have nothing better to report, which is 95% of the time.

It was their “Breaking News” banner which informed us that a particular player was “not for sale” and was “going nowhere” that inspired this article, on the basis that 95% of players around the world will not move during this transfer window. We just hope Sky don’t figure out the space they could fill by reporting every one of them!

So here are some players who WON’T be leaving their current club, despite the best efforts of the press to encourage them to do so.



Cristiano Ronald is currently being tried for tax evasion and, as such, has temporarily fallen out with all things Spanish. This led to the annual rumour that he was about to leave Madrid and return to Manchester. He isn’t.

Once it is agreed that Real Madrid will pay his fine then all will be well with the world again.

What will the story be next year?



Lionel Messi is not about to depart Barcelona and join Manchester City. Apparently, like Pablo Picasso, he too went through a blue period where everything in his garden was anything but rosy. After being found guilty of tax evasion, he agreed to a fine, a suspended sentence and to stay at Barcelona, although we don’t think the latter was part of the sentence, but who knows?

At least he has wished Neymar well on his move to Paris even if the cupped hand over his mouth concealed a snigger.



Antoine Griezmann is staying put at Atlético Madrid. He is doing this out of loyalty to the club and it has nothing to do with him being awarded a new, improved contract.

Apparently, because they have been found guilty of buying under-age players which resulted in a ban from buying new players until January 2018, Griezmann decided that it would be unfair of him to leave now.

In a gesture which is sure to be held up as a shining example to all Spanish school children, he thought that leaving a club found guilty of a crime was disloyal. Is that a warped way of thinking or not? Anyway, he is, as they say, “going nowhere“, (at least not until January when his loyalty may miraculously disappe).



Sergio Agüero will still be playing for Manchester City next season despite the Pinocchio press’ assurances that he would be plying his trade at Real Madrid, Arsenal or even Manchester United, depending on your choice of readership.

As per usual, because City made a few signings, this meant that Agüero would leave. As they didn’t sign a forward the logic for this one seems a little awry, particularly when Kelechi Ineanacho actually does appear to be signing for Leicester City. That was the transfer that the press originally didn’t foresee.



Gareth Bale is staying with Real Madrid to offer words of comfort and support to his new BFF Cristiano Ronaldo.

Again, Bale leaving Madrid is another annual fairy tale which insists that he will be moving to PSG or Manchester United. In truth, he wants to stay and win more trophies at Madrid and, as this publication has always stressed, it is easier there than at most other clubs. Footballers will usually take the path of least resistance and most money.

Bale is also looking towards the future and hoping that he can count on Ronaldo for advice when HE is charged with tax evasion!



Rumours abound with regards to Zlatan Ibrahimović but nobody has yet reported a fact. This is probably because nobody, including Zlatan himself, knows the facts. He could stay at United on another short term contract. He could, according to reports, go to AC Milan or he could, according to different reports, go to MLS.

This is the whole point of our writing this article. Zlatan can’t be going to MLS AND AC Milan AND staying at United. So somebody, somewhere, is guilty of telling porkies.

If one of these reports is true then two of them HAVE to be false and all we are asking is that the smoke be blown away to leave only that which is a known fact and not what the majority actually report which is nothing more than guesswork.

We thank you for your time and please, have a nice day.


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