Instead of jetting around the world promoting his books and lecturing on what it’s like to be a cross between Alexander the Great and Winston Churchill, I think Sir Alex Ferguson should consider a steady job. There are some available, but this is my question;
Should he audition for the role of James Bond?
Is he too old? Not really, he’s a bit past the norm but David Niven was 57 when he played Bond in “Casino Royale” and Sean Connery was 53 when he made his comeback in “Never Say Never Again”.
When Ian Fleming changed James Bond’s parentage to reflect the fact that he was now being played by a Scotsman thanks to Sean Connery’s performance in Dr No, he inadvertently did Fergie a favour.
He wasn’t around to change him into a blond to suit Daniel Craig and he is probably spinning quite rapidly wherever he is now at the thought of Idris Elba even being suggested for the part.
So Sir Alex, who actually may be too busy to fit a couple of films into his schedule, is a shoe-in for the role if only he can find the time. He will probably have to postpone his next book for a while and cut down on the university lectures, maybe just stick with the one at Harvard. He can restrict his attendance at Manchester United matches to the home games and keep an eye on his horses on the iPad.
This should all free up some time to enable him to become the greatest secret agent of all time.
A big difference to the first time he retired when his wife and family were so scared that he would spend time at home, that they begged him to return to work.
Does he have the necessary experience to play Bond? Well, let’s see.
He already has experience of ridding the world of Russians. Look where Andrei Kanchelskis ended up. Not only that but Roman Abramovich couldn’t get him despite trying several times.
He has also managed to see off challenges from the spectres of Kevin Keegan and Arsene Wenger. (SPECTRE, Bond’s nemesis and the employer of Ernst Stavro Blofeld, do try and keep up!).
He has proven himself to be deadly accurate when kicking. Particularly when what he is kicking is a boot and the target is David Beckham. So he is not averse to disciplining his own men if necessary. Only Rosa Klebb, in “From Russia With Love” was as accurate with her feet.
He’s played enough rounds of golf whilst with United to be able to give Auric Goldfinger a run for his money, even if he does cheat, (Goldfinger, not Sir Alex).
So, he has the experience. We’re not sure about the time but a little gentle persuasion should do the trick there.
As a weapon, I suggest the Remington PROtect D8700 hairdryer. The Walther PPK is, after all, a little out of date now and I think Sir Alex would prefer my choice of shooter. Any enemies he encounters will soon be running in the opposite direction once they feel the blast of hot air on their faces.
How does he look in a tuxedo? Pretty good actually, so he can carry that part off without a problem.
What about the drink? Bond’s favourite was always a vodka-medium-dry-martini-shaken-and-not-stirred with a slice of lemon twisted so that it would sink. Fergie likes red wine. Will he be able to memorise the drink?
How is his memory for the lines? Not to worry, I am sure he will cope.
He also has to get used to saying, “Bond, James Bond,” as opposed to “Ferguson, Alex Ferguson, Sir Alex Ferguson.” I think that will be easier for him though, after all, it is less to remember.
So that’s it then. The decision has been made. Not by anybody of any importance or anybody with any relevance whatsoever but you never know who may read this and think to themselves, “Alex Ferguson as James Bond, what a great idea!”
WHY SAY ANYTHING? 