Not On Sir Alex Ferguson’s Watch!

Posted: November 14, 2015 in Football, Opinion, Sir Alex Ferguson
Tags: , , , , , , ,

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Over the last few years watches have become a large part of Manchester United’s sponsorship business. Hublot was followed by Bulova as United associated themselves with the finest quality timepieces.

Now, it’s time for them to run the rule over another one.

This one doesn’t profess to be the most glamorous watch in the world. It doesn’t claim that persons of the opposite sex will immediately fall in love with you once they spot that you are wearing it. It doesn’t even look that attractive. In fact it is big and black and fairly ugly, a little like Mike Tyson chewing a piece of Evander Holyfield’s ear.

This is the “Fergie watch”. A brand new wrist clock that will always show the time you want.

Yes folks, Sir Alex has decided it is time to release to the general public one of his greatest assets during his twenty six year reign at Old Trafford. This is the infamous watch which always showed two minutes to go when the referee blew his whistle and United were losing. The same watch which, when United were winning, had the game over long before the referee ever did.

Without equal in the eyes of many horologists, this watch has proven to be invaluable to Sir Alex Ferguson over the years. Just the sight of him on the touchline tapping it has caused many a referee to realise that his own timepieces were totally inaccurate, not to mention inadequate, and to immediately trust in the workings of the Fergie watch, often blowing his whistle at a pre-determined sign from the master.

On the very rare occasions when Ferguson was unable to attend a game, he left his watch in the capable hands of whoever was his assistant at the time. Brian Kidd, Steve McClaren, Walter Smith, Carlos Queiroz and Mike Phelan have all been the temporary patron at one time or another.

The problem was that they never had the knack. The watch has to be tapped in a certain way, the referee looked at in a certain way, the angle of arm to body has to be just right otherwise it doesn’t work. Occasionally Sir Alex has returned from a prior engagement having to admonish his underlings for not knowing how to get the maximum from the watch.

This is the watch which has decided the results of Premier league matches, FA Cup ties, League Cup ties, Champions League ties and even the occasional Europa League tie. It is priceless!

Other features include it being waterproof. No good having a watch which can decide the course of a game of football, or anything else for that matter, if it packs up at the first sign of rain. Due to the volatile nature of it’s owner the watch is also shockproof meaning that, whatever the provocation, language or mood, it will behave normally. A very important consideration with this watch is that it is also scratchproof. This means that, no matter how many times it is tapped with a fingernail, no evidence will remain to spoil the look of this not very good looking watch.

Apparently, Sir Alex Ferguson did offer one of his patented watches to Louis van Gaal. Unfortunately, van Gaal felt he had to refuse as he would never have gotten the best out of it. He never moves out of his seat to stand on the touchline in an attempt to influence the referee, or the linesman, or even his players, so the watch would have been useless. It would just have sat around his wrist showing him the time and what kind of watch is that?

So Fergie will have to make do with whatever the demand from the general public is for his watch. How many people actually want to influence time? How many want to stay at work longer or get there earlier because, if you get it wrong with the watch, this can happen?

In fact, judging by the assistants who got it wrong before, maybe it would be better if he just kept this one to himself. He seems to be the only one who can control it.

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