Van Gaal Wants To Rename Manchester United

Posted: November 5, 2015 in Football, Louis van Gaal, Managers, Manchester United, Opinion
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(Chris Smalling signs a contract handing his naming rights to Louis van Gaal)

Well, not quite rename United, but he is looking at improving individual performances with a surprising move.

Louis van Gaal, or as he is affectionately known, Aloysius Paulus Maria van Gaal, had every reason to change his name, but didn’t. He decided, quite wisely, to drop the Maria bit, not advertise too much the Paulus bit and shorten the Aloysius bit to Louis.

So, in much the same way that the other James Stewart became Stewart Granger, by just tweaking his name, Aloysius became Louis.

Wholesale changes weren’t required here. This was not a case of being christened Marion, for example. Any male christened Marion should immediately, (or as soon as they are old enough, at least), change his name to John. Why he should then feel the need to change his surname from Morrison to Wayne is beyond me, but it worked out OK for him.

Now, of course, following the rip-roaring success of his renaming himself, van Gaal has decided to give it a try with his players.

First to try out his new “success is in the name” theory is Chris Smalling.

Louis has deemed the name “Chris” to be ambiguous and more suitable for a girl, not a rugged centre back who plays for Manchester United and England. So, from now on, he is to be known as Mike.

If the truth be known, this experiment has been underway for quite a while. Indeed van Gaal first called Smalling “Mike” at a press conference on the pre-season tour, but everybody just thought he was an ageing manager with a terrible memory for names.

In fairness to Aloysius and Chris, this renaming process is producing results. Louis van Gaal’s team now sit fourth in the Premier league table, only four points off the lead and they have one of the best defensive records in the division.

The fact that they have one of the best defensive records in the division is down, in no small way, to Mike Smalling. Yes, De Gea has helped, as usual, but it has been mainly through the efforts of Mike that this proud boast can be made.

Should this defensive excellence last throughout the entire season, then expect this name change experiment to continue into next season.

If this is the case then any new players signed by United will have to agree, contractually, to Louis being allowed to give them a new name of his choice, (usually Mike), should he think that it will be of benefit to the team. This is because, with the exception of continually selecting Wayne Rooney, everything Louis does is for the team, which is forever more important than ANY individual, (except Rooney).

Not only will this make United a shoe-in for the title but it will also mean that van Gaal will never again get a player’s name wrong, not that he did before.

So, following the success of this process, (or is it a philosophy?), next year expect Mike Smalling to be playing in front of Mike De Gea and alongside Mike Blind and Mike Rojo. In front of him will be the likes of Mike Mata and Mike Schweinsteiger with Mike Herrera and Mike Depay vying for places in a packed midfield.

There will be two problems that van Gaal will face and that he needs to overcome. One is that Carrick is already called Mike, so it won’t work for him and may even destroy the collective bond the rest of the team have built up through all being called Mike.

Carrick will need to be known as “John”. This is the only way the equilibrium of the team can be maintained.

The other problem is Wayne Rooney. I have watched his decline for the last three seasons or more and changing his name, even if it’s to Cristiano Ronaldo or Lionel Messi, just will not work. He’s gone too far past redemption for something as simple as a name change to make any difference.

  1. Mike says:

    It’s really not only a good read but also funny and you never know it maybe work and next season we do the treble again

    Liked by 1 person

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